Mortality

So I'm chaning hosts now. Got fed up with this one... There are several reaons actually.. One of them being that if I clicked on a link that went to my blog it added one to visitors. Also it's very confusing where I do what.

My new blog is here.

Sometimes I think boyfriend's too good to be true. Specially since I actually have to think a bit to come up with negative sides of him and don't have to think very hard to come up with something positive about him.

Then I think it over. Why would he be too good to be true? Wouldn't it be more about too good for me? Like I don't deserve someone who is nice, respectful, good looking, great in bed and generally just wonderful.. So it's not about him at all. It's about my self esteem.

I can't see myself as beutiful.. Pretty? Maybe.. But I don't see myself as beautiful.

Before I saw myself as ugly and if anyone complimented me on anything I'd think they were pulling my leg or something.
Then I started thinking. Would I ever say something nice, sound very much like I meant it and not mean it? Or just say it to make fun of the person?
No.
Do I actually think anyone else would?
Not really.
So why would I think that people were lying when it came to me then?
Low self esteem. I couldn't even see myself as OK-looking, so people calling me drop-dead gorgeous just HAD to be joking, right?

Once when I was sixteen I was half pressured into and half payed for wearing a pretty slutty clothes to a party a guy at school was throwing.
Everyone in the room just stared when I got there. Not cos I was super hot or anything, but cos they were so used to seeing me in baggy jeans and too big hoodies.
You know this cartoony look when the eyes nearly pop out and the chin is half-way to the knees? One guy there was probably the closest a real life guy could come to that.
He'd knows me in middle school and hadn't seen me in a year (he was only there cos he was dating a classmate)
He'd never seen me without a two sizes too big hoodie and jeans that I could cut in half and use as skirts.
Now I was wearing a really short skirt, hooker boots and a halter neck.
Not to mention make up.

I though he was staring cos I looked hideous, but when my classmate and his girlfriend told me she was almost jealous cos he never looked at her that way.
My classmates also had a lot of fun making me test clothes I'd never wear in public in shops. Their reason? It was fun actually seeing me in clothes like that, and when they tried it on themselves they thought they just looked silly but according to them I should try to become a model.

Nearly all the times I've actually felt bautiful has been related to someone having a hard time taking their eyes off me.
When I was on vacation with my family there was this guy who stayed at the same hotel. He was re

Then I turned 18, went to a club, went there some more times, met a guy, got together with him, broke up.
But we still met and what not, and I stayed at his place once in a while (like every weekend...) The biggest difference was that now we needed more of a reason to meet up than just "Well, we're free and want to". Also we didn't make out and hug as much.
One of those times I was wearing a SHORT SKIRT along with a nice top to this club. And he had a pretty hard time taking his eyes of me for a few seconds.

I'm a non-smoker, been so my whole life. Yet I run around with lighters more often than my smoking friends.

I'm pretty safe when it comes to fire these days. When I was younger I had a few near accidents.
I nearly set fire to my desk in school.
I did burn off half of the hair on my arm.
But I've learnt. Last time the fire did something that I didn't not mean to happen I was eleven (and two months and a couple of weeks/days)

Getting bored now, where'd I put my lighter?

I wrote about how I lost my virginity. Now let's write about the first time I had completely consentual sex.
I was going out one night with a friend, but he didn't turn up. He'd gone and broken a foot and I didn't get to know 'till I was already at the club. So I stayed. I'd made emergency plans for where to sleep in case this friend didn't turn up. So I sent a text to my other friend, K, and told him I'd be staying the night at his place.

Did what I usually do, get high on sugar (like real sugar.. C6H12O6) and dance. Dance like nothing matters, just following the music. Gotta say I love that. Specially at the outskirts of a filled dance floor.

Anyway, this guy asked if he could buy me a drink. I said ok and we started talking. Soon enough this guy turned out to be pretty stupid and annoying so I ditched him. I also decided never to let strangers buy me drinks again.

A bit later this guy started dancing with me, he was a good dancer so I was ok with that. Then we started kissing too. Little later I decided I was gonna leave.
"Why?" this guy, A, asked me.
"Cos I'm staying the night with a friend and don't want to turn up too late," I told him honestly.
"What are you doing tomorrow then?" he asked.
"Probaly comming here in the evening, not sure what to do with the rest of the day though," I said.
"Mind if I call you then?" he asked.
I didn't and he got my number.

I left, went to my friends place. Found out he's fallen asleep at his computer and I didn't dare make any real sounds in case I woke up his parents. In the end (after seven missed calls to his cell that was on silent and one signal on his home phone) he came and opened the door for me.

The next morning I woke up hungover. My friend started laughing. He asked me how much I'd had the night before. When he heard the answer he laughed so hard he nearly fell of the bed, then he went and got me a pain killer.
Yeah, he's one of my best friends.

So I didn't really do much the rest of the day, 'cept talk to A on the phone. Then later that night I went back to the club. Just to get to know that I got stood up again, so I called A and asked if I could sleep there. He said I could.

So I got there and we were talking for a bit and stuff.. Then we started kissing, which led to making out, which led to other stuff. We didn't actually have sex that night cos we didn't have any condoms. And I refused to, not just in case I could get pregnant (he offered to buy me a morning-after-pill) but I didn't know where he'd been. I got some oral sex that night, but I was too tired to give him any. He was ok with it though.

First thing when stored opened next morning we went and bought some though ^^ I don't remember any real details, since it was over seven months ago.

If it would have been a real first I wouldn't have told him it was to be honest. The first guy I kissed dosn't know he was the first =)

Fuck life. Sometimes that's how I feel. I just wanna curl up in a corner and cry. I can't do that though... And I don't really want to. Right now I think that's what I want... My stomach wants to kill me and I've twisted my knee. That's not the worst though. I'm just feeling pretty down, for no apparant reason.
Well I guess I can blame it on just getting my period today. I fucking hate it! Thankfully I only have to endure it like every 7th week.. Take this little pill that makes sure I don't get pregnant and also makes me able to postpone my period.

Boyfriend was looking over my shoulder so I asked if he read what I was writing (I haven't let him read this yet..) he said no. He was just facinated by the way I was typing. I don't type the "proper" way, I use my right index finger the most.
And apparantly I'm pretty too ^^ Or so boyfriend told me^^ Someday I might be brave enough to post some pics here, but not today. I know some other people I *know* that might find it and for now I'm only comfortable with internet people reading this.

I fucken love my boyfriend! Most people can tell I do... Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without him. And I can't really come up with anything meaningfull that'd fill the hours I spend with him,or talking to him, or just thinking about him.
he told me I was one of the best things that happened to him, and that I'm one of the most important things in his life. Makes me happy to hear that, cos that's how I feel about him!

Yesterday I ended up going out despite the plan being to go home and do some laundry.. Just missed my honey too much.. ^^ When I got to the club he was drunk and horny, he more or less asked if I wanted to go back to his place xD
He said he'd missed me a lot, and I just had to ask if it was me or sex he'd missed.
"You!" he said and hugged me. "I can prove it if you want."
Him proving that he didn't have to have sex to stay with me would just be annoying! I need sex to function properly I think.. I might not need it as much or often as DFP, but I still need it on a regualar basis.

It's not sex that makes me love my boyfriend. It's a bonus =)

I love how he'll just hug me and tell me that he loves me, none of that "It'll be ok" stuff, when I'm sad.
How he'll remember stuff I say, even if it's so insignificant that I don't.
How he loves surprising me with stuff, and when (as it's almost always been) it's something I really really like he'll be happy and ask if it was a nice surprise.

I'll be gone all next week.
Gonna spend the time at my grandparents' and see a friend.

I most likely won't have any internet access, but I might be able to get to the local library and borrow a computer.

So yeah, posting this for the one (?) person so far reading. If there is more than one then I don't know.
Actually I don't care very much if no one reads. This blog is mainly for me if people are reading and liking it, well, then I got a big bonus ^^

I love just writing, since I suck at writing proper fiction I usually will take some part of my life and morph it so that no one will recognise. With this blog I've taken part of my life, cut out all the names and posted it.
I'm planning on writing about my first one night stand some day. Reason? We're kinda friends and I said something about me bloging and he asked if I'd written about him. So now I will xD

I love getting comments on my blogs. So if more than one person actually reads this I'd love to hear what you think of it so far.

Gotta go sleep some now.

Take care!

This goes in the "stuff" category but I guess it's more suited for "life". Just one thing, my father is not a part of my life!

I got an e-mail from him. It started out properly I guess. With him saying he was sorry we didn't talk and what not and he hoped I could explain why I was mad at him cos he couldn't properly understand it. He used about as many words on that as I've used so far.

Then came a 400-or so long essay on why it wasn't just his fault and how it was a daughters duty to forgive her fathers flaws, how I shouldn't talk about socialism and humanism and stuff like that here, cos they were based on atheism (I'm starting to suspect that my dad's a friggen fanatic..). Only if I stopped talking about that could he promise not to say bad stuff about my mum. Also he agrees that it's a parents duty to support their kid, but apparantly he thinks the kids duty to respect their parents and do what they are told comes first.

Then he finished of with asking if I was done with school and how things were going. Again using less than a hundred words and signed it with "Your father, that loves you".

I don't know what you think, but a father that loves you would try to be a part of your life a little harder, right? Appart from a two minute phone conversation with me telling him I wouldn't see him, that's the first I've heard of him since August 30th.

He's fucken messed up. Whenever I behave in a way he sees as wrong it's my mum's fault. Me not talking to him? Mum's fault. Me not being as fanatically religious as he is? Mum's fault. Me getting bad grades (I hardly do!) Mum's fault. Me having opinions of my own that aren't the same as his? Mum's fault.
Well, wouldn't it be his fault cos HE WASN'T HERE TO INFLUENCE ME?

Thank God he wasn't is all I can say! Maybe I'd turn out a misinformed asshole like him!

It might seem like I'm only mad at him, but I'm not. I want a father dammit! I just want a father that can respect my mother. A father that can see when he's in the wrong. A father that can actually be an active part of my life. Not just some dude that'll visit once a year and send e-mails....

I want a proper dad!

Read this post on a forum how it's becoming more "guys can't do 'girly' things, but girls can do what thy want".
So now it's men who's the discriminated part.
Do I agree? Heck no.

The stuff guys "can" do and girls can't.
-Like flashy cars or cars in general.
-Get a career purely on what they know.

The stuff girls "can" do and guys can't.
-Wear a dress
-Become a kindergarten teacher.

The reason why it is like this is that guys are still the norm, and as suck more worth. So a guy condescending to doing "girly" things will be seen a less of a man.
A girl trying/doing "manly" things will be seen as trying to do stuff she isn't good enough to do, or just as plain abnormal.

Then there's the bit about custody of children. Hwo the dads are dicriminated there. Well guess why? How many dads just ditches their kids? How many mums do?
In my personal experience I know about ONE mum who ditched her child. And I've lost count of the fathers who left.

Short blog and badly written.. Sorry!

I do not need for some guy to fall for me.

We were talking on msn about people who needs to be beaten up. Then he said something like he'd want to beat up my boyfriend and steal me. I fucken hope he was joking! Seriously! He's a fairly good friend and him meaning that would ruin some of that.

Then I told my boyfriend about it, he didn't seem overly thrilled.

Gah, why do I mess up everything?!? And why do so many guy friends fall for me? (Ok, not many.. Like four or something)

One was this guy in my guild (online game..) who fell for me and everytime he helps me out in that game he'll be like "That'd be worth a hand job, right?" or something. And he's fucken jealous of my boyfriend or actually more or less every male person I TALK to.
He's also askign stuff like: "If you were single and here would [insert something sexual]be able to happen?"
Or asking if I'd go on a date with him.
Only reason I haven't blocked him is cos I feel so sorry for him. Poor wanker..

Then there was this guy I had to invent a boyfriend to get off my back. Jeez, pathetic or what?

This guy then, he's a one night stand turned friend.
I'd hate for him to fall for me.
Reason one: He can never "have" me, and I'd feel sorry for him.
Reason two: Even if I didn't have an awesome boyfriend see reason one. We're too different.

I seriously hope he was joking. Problem is he's always flirting with me, always calling me sweety or baby or stuff like that.

Gah! Muchly angst?

My dad left when I was still a kid. I'd see him once a year and then for only a week or two.
He claimed that he couldn't afford to stay longer.
At least after my mum refused to let him stay at our place. Before that he'd been "able" to stay maybe a month.
Then he sold some of her things and after that she refused to let him into the house.
He didn't care.
"She can't forbid me to be in my own sons room," he'd say and check his mail on my brother's computer.

Then he informed me that he thought it was his duty as my father to find me a suitable husband.
Ok, what happened to the support your children part of duties?
He asked me if I was a virgin. And was then surprised when I told him that was none of his buisiness.

Then he left. But we e-mailed each other. When my replies became shorted and shorter it was my mum who'd brainwashed me etc. etc.
So I told him that if he would go on about my mother like that I didn't want to talk to him.
"I can say whatever I want to say," he replied.

So I didn't have any contact with him after that.

'Till the next time he was in the country.
My brother called and asked if I wanted to come with them and see a movie. I said no.
Then I talked to my father.

And I might be seeing him tormorrow... I don't know if I'll be able to...

It hurts.

Once upon a time I loved this guy. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. He was the one I trusted the most, the one I'd know the longest.
How could I've been so blind? When I think back he never did anything to deserve my trust or my love. Now he's ruined it beyond repair.
He moved away a couple of years ago, and I went to visit him. I was really happy! I'd spend a whole week with him! Never mind he was working that week, he'd be home 'round 3.30-4ish PM, which gave me time to walk to the local library and occupy one of their computers. Update my old blogg, which had a couple of readers; chat with friends who actually were there for me when my life was a complete mayhem; stuff like that.
Then I'd go back, maybe past the supermarket to shop for groceries.

Now to the stuff I want to forget but is unable to. Much of it was my own fault.

The train I was on was late. Fifteen minutes after we were supposed to arrive i get a text. He aske when the hell I'm comming cos he can't be bothered to wait much longer.
That was the first hint. I should've gotten on the first best train out of there then!
I didn't.

So it was all my fault we missed the tram to his place. We had to take the bus which took twice the time the tram took to get us there. So he was a bit pissed off. At me! I don't get it, like I had control over the train tracks....

He'd been on drugs. If you could smoke it he'd probably tried it. But he was clean now, and had been for a while. Well, he counted himself as clean. I don't. He still smoked pot and said he'd probably never quit.
He also smoked regular fags. Inside! Never mind that I can't stand it.
"My house, if you don't like it get out."

Why didn't I leave? I so regret staying now...

The things he said to me.. It still hurts thingking about it. Why didn't I speak up? Why did i just silently take it all?

One night I thought about stuff that made me cry. He hugged me to try and comfort me. We ended up making out.
"We're just friends, right?" He said.
"Ofc," I said. "What did you think?"
"Well, it's just I know you've always liked me..."
Wait a minute, WHAT?
"As a friend yeah.." I said.
He was very surprised.

The next time we made out we went a bit longer. He wanted me to blow him. I didn't want that. He refused to go down on me cos I wasn't compltetly bald there. Hair was apparantly icky. But he's never shave there. Cos it itched so much when it grew back.
Self righteous bastard.

So I wouldn't blow him. He gets me drunk to get down my defences.

Next thing he starts nagging about is for me to swallow. I flat out refuse that! It's gross! (Well, girls/guys who do swallow might not think that, I can respect that. But I think it's icky. And I can still finish of a guy with my hand.)
So he doesn't tell me when he's about to come.
That is one of the most disrepsectful things anyone as ever done to me. I managed to pull away in time thouhg . TAHNK GOD!

Next step for him is going all the way. Never mind I've never gone all the way and never mind I'm not sure I want to. He hasn't gotten anything in a while and I'm there.
A former friend of mine calls him one day. She going pretty close to where he lives on a school trip, maybe they could meet up?
Turns out he's on holiday when she's gonna be there so it won't work out.
Then he tells me that she's much prettier than me, but what can he do. I'm the one who's there.
Ok, WHY THE HELL did he say that?
And WHY THE HELL DIND'T I LEAVE? Just walkt out, get a bus back to the train station and get on a train? Why'd I stay?

The worst he did is yet to come. The thing that realy made me feel dirty, used and worthless.

After he'd gotten what he wanted he says, "Damn it felt good with some pussy again"

I just wanted to dissapear.